Befuddled

I’ve not blogged for a while because my head is so full of stuff that I am battling to think clearly.

First off OH had a follow up appointment with the cardiologist yesterday and after a gruelling stress test on the treadmill was pronounced good to go off and do whatever he would normally do, providing he stays on his meds.

I have been feeling very down and tired, not because of physical activity but it’s all emotional stuff that is weighing me down.  And my IBS has kicked in in a big way and that is not helping any.

What’s causing all of this, well it’s the fact that I fly to the UK to on 1st March in the hope of effecting a reconciliation with our daughter and meeting my granddaughter for the first time.  She does not know that I am coming because I am sure she would do everything she could to avoid me. My son does not know either, it’s all been very hush hush. However I have a dilemma. The address where I believed she was living was checked out by a friend in the UK and it has a “To Let” sign outside. I am sure she has moved and in order to find her I have to consider involving an old friend of hers in my plans to try and get an address. If it all goes pear shaped this could well affect the friendship and I don’t want to be responsible for that.

I will be staying with extended family of OH’s and hiring a car to get around.  I have tried to prepare myself for further rejection while still hoping for a good outcome.  I have read books on forgiveness because I am not going all that way to try and win an argument, I just want to put all the unpleasantness behind us and start again.  However I am also willing to listen to anything she may wish to say to me and to apologise for anything that I may have done or said to cause our estrangement.

I will only have 8 days to find her and hopefully visit with her and get things back on track. The trip has cost an arm and leg because I was due to fly on 1st February but had to postpone because of OH’s heart attack. I have not told him that changing the flight cost me R3 400 because that would probably induce another heart attack.

In between I have a ton of work to get through so if I am scarce on the blogs you know why.

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This & that

Things have been hectic

Having OH at home recovering from his heart attack has had an impact on my working day and as nice as it is to have him around I have been spread a bit thin.  He is feeling so much better and getting stronger every day.  He walks twice a day and we had our first outing since his heart attack last Saturday.

We went to the Waterfront for lunch followed by a movie. We saw The Descendants with George Clooney.  It’s a great movie both funny and sad and set in Hawaii. Getting out of the house did us both good.

It feels like so much is up in the air at the moment. I have something coming up which I can’t talk about yet and it is causing me a lot of anxiety. Financially it is a very difficult time for us. I had just paid off all my medical bills when OH’s had his heart attack and now those bills are coming in. In addition our DSTV decoder decided to die on us and whilst we had planned at some stage to upgrade to PVR this is not the right time for that to happen.  Both cars need servicing and before the end of this month my provisional tax has to be paid.

I know that there are many people in far worse financial situations than ours but I stress over debt especially in the year in which OH is due to retire.  I am sure it will all work out somehow but thinking about it has my stomach in a knot.

And then there is the family situation that does not seem like it will be resolved. Although OH does not talk about it I am sure he is hurting and I am not comfortable with the fact that there has been a fall out. On the other hand I believe that if you are going to sound off and vent your bad mood on someone else you should at least take ownership of your bad behaviour and not try and make it someone else’s problem for pointing it out to you.

Rant for the Day

Right now I am totally disenchanted with family

BIL & SIL are so full of it

Somehow poor OH always gets a rough ride

It would suit me never to have to see them again

That’s a sad thing to say

But I am so done with dealing with Drama Queens

And people who have no consideration for other people’s feelings

And no integrity

Life is just far too short for all that crap

And OH does not need it while recovering from a heart attack

Aanyway that’s my rant for today