Befuddled

I’ve not blogged for a while because my head is so full of stuff that I am battling to think clearly.

First off OH had a follow up appointment with the cardiologist yesterday and after a gruelling stress test on the treadmill was pronounced good to go off and do whatever he would normally do, providing he stays on his meds.

I have been feeling very down and tired, not because of physical activity but it’s all emotional stuff that is weighing me down.  And my IBS has kicked in in a big way and that is not helping any.

What’s causing all of this, well it’s the fact that I fly to the UK to on 1st March in the hope of effecting a reconciliation with our daughter and meeting my granddaughter for the first time.  She does not know that I am coming because I am sure she would do everything she could to avoid me. My son does not know either, it’s all been very hush hush. However I have a dilemma. The address where I believed she was living was checked out by a friend in the UK and it has a “To Let” sign outside. I am sure she has moved and in order to find her I have to consider involving an old friend of hers in my plans to try and get an address. If it all goes pear shaped this could well affect the friendship and I don’t want to be responsible for that.

I will be staying with extended family of OH’s and hiring a car to get around.  I have tried to prepare myself for further rejection while still hoping for a good outcome.  I have read books on forgiveness because I am not going all that way to try and win an argument, I just want to put all the unpleasantness behind us and start again.  However I am also willing to listen to anything she may wish to say to me and to apologise for anything that I may have done or said to cause our estrangement.

I will only have 8 days to find her and hopefully visit with her and get things back on track. The trip has cost an arm and leg because I was due to fly on 1st February but had to postpone because of OH’s heart attack. I have not told him that changing the flight cost me R3 400 because that would probably induce another heart attack.

In between I have a ton of work to get through so if I am scarce on the blogs you know why.

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8 thoughts on “Befuddled

  1. be brave and go for it. You may well be surprised at the outcome if you go in with only the future to live for and the past remaining in the past. Will be thinking of you 🙂 take care

  2. Done a little catch up here…..nice to see you on wordpress optie. Oh I am praying that it works out for you and your daughter and that you get to see them. And good news that OH is doing well. Hugs xxx

  3. On the bright side, it is great that OH has progressed as well as he has.

    I can imagine how stressful it must be to be trying for this reconciliation. At the end of it you will come out ahead whatever happens if you know you have done all you could, and nothing at all to add any fuel to whatever fires there may be. If there is still no response, then it is simply written.

    I imagine it is going to take almost superhuman control. Begging and pleading when one believes one is in the right anyway is SO diffucult, and then listening and asking questions rather than responding angrily has to be kept constantly in the forefront of one’s mind. If she is given full opportunity and incentive to have a full say, however irrational that say may seem, a positive outcome is more likely. ‘I’m sorry it seemed that way to you,’ is better than, ‘But that was because …’ every time.

    I do hope it works.

  4. Well I really hope that you find her and that there is a reconciliation. It’s been far to long now and you need to put this matter to rest. I’ll be thinking of you whilst you’re gone, and sending you lots of positive vibes. I’m not surprised you’re feeling stressed out. Hugs xx

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