Not in a good space

Hello Bloggers

I don’t really have anything to blog about. My mind is still occupied with the uncertainty of my work situation and the incompetent and plainly disrespectful way it has been handled.

I have requested a meeting with the Chairman on Monday but have not had a response yet. He did not call me back last Friday after I left a message for him which I followed up with an email. I have heard nothing more even though he replied to the email and said he would get back to me. This state of affairs just cannot continue and I intend to turn up the heat because I have been patient long enough.

If it were possible to walk away without seriously damaging our financial security I would do so in a heartbeat. I am starting to think that our retirement/downscaling plans will need to be brought forward but I hoping that that I can hold on to the end of next year. There are things that we want to do and accomplish before selling up and moving to the country and there are contingency plans that are not yet in place that would give us a greater degree of security when we make the move.

When I am stressed as I am now I tend to withdraw from life, I don’t find it easy to go out and be sociable. I am so afraid of spending any money that is not strictly necessary that we are not doing the things we would normally do. Add to that severe pain from out of control IBS and sleep deprivation. Last weekend I did not leave the house at all.  I realise that my world has shrunk, hence not having anything of interest to blog about.

I feel responsible for messing up OH’s retirement, this is not the life he expected after retirement, it’s not what we had planned.

Sorry for the negative post but I’m so not in a good space right now.

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Long time, no post

Hello Blogland

 

Well it’s been a while since I blogged. I have been dealing with a few issues that have overtaxed my brain and resulted in me not being in a very good space.

 

I consulted my GP and got some new medication but have had to stop it because of the side effects (the story of my life) so I’m back to square one in that regard. I have also been having panic attacks and have some medication for that too. After months of uncertainty regarding my work environment I am all wrung out and mentally and physically exhausted.

 

Last week I was presented with a service provider agreement that was so badly thrown together and retrospectively dated that I refused to sign it. I was then asked to redraft it which I have done but now I have concerns about who has contractual authority to sign on behalf of the client and need to resolve this without making myself more of a pariah than I already am in some quarters.

 

Last week was very busy with meetings every day and not much time for office admin so there is a lot to catch up on this week. Also last week a very dear neighbour of ours passed away after a long battle with cancer. The funeral is tomorrow afternoon. This led me to question again if I should be sticking with this client and my current work or if it’s time to follow our dream and sell up and move to the country before it’s too late.

 

The exhaustion really caught up with me by Friday and after a full day we had tickets for the theatre. I could easily have stayed at home but having heard good things about the show we went along. It was Don’t Dress for Dinner at the Theatre on the Bay and it was good but I would have enjoyed it more had I not been so very, very tired.

 

Before the show we decided to have some pasta at Primi in Camps Bay, never again! The pasta that we have enjoyed at other branches did not taste the same but most annoying were the staff. It seemed like we could not go more than three minutes without someone coming to the table to ask how we were doing, it was beyond irritating. We had ordered a flat bread as a starter but did not finish it so asked for it to be put in a takeaway box. When the bill was presented to us we asked where our takeaway was and we were asked who we gave it to? Given the fact that about 6 different people came and went from our table I had no clue and told the waiter that and that the only person who had not come to ask how we were enjoying our meal was the car guard outside. Eventually our takeaway was “found” but minus a chunk so clearly someone else had designs on it.

 

We had such lovely weather this past weekend but all I did was watch TV, read and sleep. I wish I had had more energy to get out and enjoy the sunshine but my battery was well and truly flat.

 

 

Still stressed

After two weeks of stress, sleepless nights and anxiety I found out yesterday that my major client is cutting my fee by 20%, based on comparing apples and pears, oh and greed!

It’s not as bad as the two-thirds cut they first mentioned but it is still significant for our little budget and sacrifices will have to be made until I can find a way to make up the deficit. So I will be working harder and longer for less.

But what makes me the most upset is the way this has been handled, there was no regard for the emotional trauma that I have endured for the past two weeks, not knowing how bills will be paid. And this from people that I have had a very good working relationship with until now!

hate-bear

So whilst I still have an income, albeit reduced, the joy I had in working with this client has evaporated and I don’t know if I will ever get it back.

Added to that I am having to deal much more closely with some prime a/holes instead of working at a respectable safe distance and that will increase my frustration levels if the past two weeks are anything to go by.

Hands

It’s hard to get your head around being told for years that you are doing such a great job and then have your fee cut by 20% for no good reason. The restructuring that is behind the cut in my fee has not been thought through very well at all.  I asked a simple question about procedures and was made to feel like I had asked a stupid question. I am now at the mercy of the administratively ungifted.

Prayer

I spent another sleepless night last night trying to work through my emotions and today I feel like absolute sh1t. I know I will get over this and maybe even something better will come up but two weeks of extreme anxiety has taken its toll on my physical and emotional health. This is all I can manage at the moment:

Hug the dog

Black out

Last evening poor OH was still very unnerved by the day’s drama and complained about his stomach being upset and not being very hungry. 

We had a light supper and afterwards I was in my office finishing off a few things when I heard a huge crash. I looked out towards the family room which was dimly lit due to OH’s obsession with electricity saving and saw something on the floor at the door that did not appear to be a dog and heard the safety gate being hit.  I rushed across to find OH on the floor kicking at the safety gate. He did not know what happened and it appears that the blacked out. He said he was not hurt but I put a pillow under his head and made him stay there for a few minutes just to be on the safe side.  Then I  helped him up and onto the couch and took his blood pressure – it was very low.  I don’t know if this is in any way connected to the stress of the day but it shook me up too.

He said he had gone to let the dogs out and the next thing he was on the floor.  My nerves are shot too. We are getting too old for all this stress and drama. Hopefully the weekend will bring some relaxation and peace.